namaste: (HouseCuddy)
[personal profile] namaste
Title: Forgiveness
Author: Namaste
Summary: Cuddy thinks about family, traditions and atonement. Gen, suitable for all. PG. Mild spoilers for the start of Season Four.
Author’s Notes: Inspired by the LJ challenge community Days of Awsome if not following every aspect of that challenge. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] npkedit for the beta and cultural consultations.
Sample:
She wondered if House had ever asked for forgiveness. Maybe he thought no one would ever give it. Not to him, anyway.




Cuddy heard the hard rap of wood on wood on her office door a split second before it opened. She didn’t look up.

His steps were soft on the carpet, but distinctively his -- one heavy and one light. If she hadn’t been paying attention, she wouldn’t have even heard the sound of the rubber tip of his cane making contact with the floor.

“I knocked,” he said.

“Barely.” She glanced up. He was holding a small white paper bag. “That doesn’t look like a completed employment form.”

“I’m still interviewing candidates.”

Cuddy shook her head. She’d already heard enough complaints about the gaggle of potential fellows who seemed to be everywhere, each wearing a number rather than the standard hospital ID tag.

“It’s unprofessional,” Simpson had complained the first day the candidates showed up.

“It’s House,” Cuddy had said. It was the only explanation she could give. She’d sighed. “It’s up to him to decide how to run his department. Within reason.”

“Just keep them away from my department,” he’d said.

Cuddy was the one who had to clear them with security, who told the lab techs to give them access, who got them parking passes.

“It’s not like they’re costing you anything,” House had said. “Free labor -- until I make a decision. Just think of the cost benefit analysis.”

Cuddy had just rolled her eyes.

Now House stood in her office again, at the spot he always seems to favor at the center of the room -- at the center of everything. He held out the paper bag. “Peace offering.”

Cuddy didn’t take it. Didn’t even put down her pen. “What is it?”

“It’s harmless.” He didn’t lower his hand. He watched her face for a reaction, and she wasn’t sure what he expected to see. “It’s a bagel.”

She shook her head. “No thanks.”

“Whole wheat,” he said, “fat-free cream cheese. No one else is going to want it.”

She shook her head again, but her stomach growled and House smiled.

“I knew it.” He lowered the bag and stepped forward, took a seat. He leaned his cane against her desk and stretched his legs out. “You realize that fasting for a day doesn’t actually bring you atonement, right?”

He took the bagel out of the bag. It was cinnamon raisin, not whole wheat, and she could practically see the richness of the regular cream cheese as it oozed out from between the sliced halves when he took a bite.

She looked down at her paperwork and tried to ignore the smell. “It’s not just fasting,” she said.

“You don’t even belong to a synagogue,” House pointed out.

Cuddy almost asked him how he knew, but decided she’d rather not know.

“Aren’t you supposed to be observing your candidates?”

“I’ve got them reviewing possible cases.” House took another bite. Cuddy heard him chew, heard him swallow. Her stomach rumbled again and she knew without even looking that House heard it. He probably even enjoyed hearing her suffer.

Cuddy shook her head. “It’s not about services either.”

“So why?”

She sighed, looked up at him. He shoved the rest of the bagel in his mouth. She thought of her grandmother’s silver shabbat candlesticks, the soft challah her grandfather bought downtown on his way home from work every Friday, her mother sitting next to her at the long table, the mezuzah that had been passed down from one generation to the next, moving from the door at some small house in Poland, to her great-grandparents’ house in Detroit, to her grandparents’ door in Birmingham -- and that now hung in her sister’s house.

“Tradition,” she said, and shrugged.

She waited for the comments she knew would come -- that she was a fool to believe in anything, that traditions were nothing more than ancient superstitions passed down through generations, that Marx was right and religion was the opiate of the masses. She saw the disbelief flash across his eyes for a moment, but then it was gone.

House stood, tossed the empty bag in her garbage can. He turned and walked away, the uneven steps on the carpet moving across the room again. “If I see Tevye, I’ll tell him where to find you,” he said, and closed the door behind him.

She assigned herself afternoon clinic duty. Keeping busy helped her forget her hunger, even if it did nothing for the headache that had been building behind her right eye since ten o’clock.

House was wrong. She’d intended to go to services. There was a synagogue on the way home. She’s even been there a few times, though only for weddings or the occasional holiday. She usually saw a few familiar faces when she was there -- other doctors, one or two regular donors to Princeton-Plainsboro -- but she never stayed for long, always ducked out after the service to finish up one more piece of paperwork, or to check up on a patient. Or House.

It was still light out when the clinic closed, but there were budget requests on her desk, and she looked them over. Wilson left her an update on the grant proposal he’d submitted to help finance the addition of radio frequency ablation to PPTH. He has already started informal talks with a young doctor he wanted to join the staff as the hospital’s newest specialist.

When she heard a knock at the door, she was surprised to notice that it was dark outside. She glanced at her watch, and saw it was nearly eight o’clock. She waved to the figure on the other side of the glass. “Come in,” she said.

The man who walked through was young, with dark hair. She could see a dark shirt and a loosened tie under his lab coat. Number Ten, she thought, reading the tag hanging around his neck, then shook her head. She knew she should use their names, even if House wouldn't, then realized she couldn't remember his name.

She wondered if he’d drawn the short straw and been elected to come to her with everyone’s complaints. It wouldn’t do any good. She would just give him the same answer she’d given to Simpson. It was House’s department. This was his decision to make.

He walked across the room, carrying a white paper bag. it was slightly bigger than the one House had earlier.

“Dr. House said to give you this,” he said.

She hesitated just a moment before taking it. It was heavier than she expected. She watched his face while she opened the bag, then caught the aroma from inside, something savory, rich. She looked away from him and reached inside. There was something warm inside and she pulled it, folded back the waxed paper. Turkey, cheese and dressing seeped out from between slices of grilled rye bread.

Number Ten was halfway across the room again when she looked up. “Wait,” she said, and he stopped, turned back to her. “Did Dr. House make you pay for this?”

He shook his head. “No. He just told me to pick it up.”

Cuddy smiled. “Thanks,” she said, “and tell him thank you too.”

Number Ten stood there looking at her. She wondered what House had told his candidates about her, whether Number Ten was trying to decide if some comment was a lie or the truth. She expected him to say something, but he didn’t, just nodded and slipped out the door.

She didn’t take a bite at first, but breathed in the smell. She moved her budget papers to one side of the desk, so they wouldn't be splotched by the grease. She took two napkins and a pickle out of the bag and then flattened it and placed the sandwich on top.

She wished she had candles. She wished she knew the right prayers. She hesitated for a moment, covered her eyes and repeated the only prayer she remembered. “Barukh atah Adonai,” she whispered. She almost expected to hear the echoes of her grandmother, her mother and her sisters, but there was only her voice. “Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam.”

She knew it wasn’t the right day. It wasn’t Friday. It was long past sunset. Her grandmother would have frowned if she’d seen the sandwich -- meat and cheese mingling into one. Her grandparents weren’t kosher, but they maintained a few dietary restrictions -- maybe out of habit more than anything else.

All of Cuddy’s memories of shabbat all seem to revolve around her grandparents’ table.

Her parents hosted their own dinners for a few years after Grandma died, but once Grandpa followed her a few years later, it always seemed like there was something else, something more exciting to do. Dates or football games or long weekends up north.

Cuddy hadn’t gone to services regularly since she was sixteen. By college, she'd stopped going altogether, telling herself that her class load didn’t leave her with enough time. Then came med school and her internship and residency. So many other things that seemed more important.

But two years ago, she’d been at her sister’s home, as her oldest niece was making her way through the fast for the first time. Walking into her sister’s house, she’d seen their grandmother’s candlesticks, had watched as Jane stocked the cupboards and refrigerators with food for later. Jane had sworn off services even before college, but found herself drawn into her local synagogue once her own children were born.

“It’s different when you have kids,” Jane had told her. “I want them to know where they come from, to be a part of a community.”

Cuddy had nodded, and hugged Lizzie, commenting on how tall she was getting. She told her that they’d all starve together. “Moral support,” she’d said, then she and Jane told old stories of the holidays when they were growing up, of the way their younger sister taunted them with peanut butter and candy.

The next night, she’d helped set out the spread of bagels and three kinds of cream cheese. Lizzie had walked past her to the refrigerator, pulling out the lemon meringue pie Jane had set aside. Cuddy had heard her sister laugh as she took the pie and cut into it without another word.

Cuddy had taken her own slice and let the taste linger in her mouth. It was her mother’s recipe, rich and sweet and tart and she could almost imagine herself back in her mother’s kitchen. She'd found herself studying her niece, seeing something of her mother around her eyes, saw Jane’s shy smile reflected on this different, younger face. And Cuddy had found herself longing for something she didn’t have, wondering if it was too late.

Last year, she’d had a brief moment of hope -- faint blue lines on a pregnancy test -- and she hadn’t wanted to take a chance. She’d eaten normally. It hadn't mattered. A week later came the cramps, then the miscarriage.

This year, she'd had no plans, no one to share the day with, but found herself preparing anyway, avoiding the kitchen, rescheduling a lunch meeting. “Asher kidishanu b'mitz'votav v'tzivanu.” She faltered on the words for only a moment, surprised at how easily they appeared from her memory.

House was right. Atonement couldn't be earned just by fasting, or by prayers. She remembered her lies to him, remembered the way he looked when she took away his Vicodin. Remembered the lies she told in court.

First acknowledge your sins against others, the rabbi always said, then make reparations. As we hope others forgive us, we are expected to forgive others. She wondered if House had ever asked for forgiveness. Maybe he thought no one would ever give it. Not to him, anyway.

“L'had'lik neir shel Shabbat.”

Maybe House didn’t believe in asking for forgiveness. It’s not what we say, he always argued, it’s what we do. She took a breath, caught the aroma of the sandwich again.

“Amen,” she said, and opened her eyes. Maybe House was right. Atonement had nothing to do with fasting. Maybe it really is what we do, not what we say that matters. At least she hoped that was true for his sake. Then she smiled, and took a bite.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 05:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] leiascully.livejournal.com
I love House taunting her, knowing ahead of time she won't eat it, and then making it up later by being nice, but with a proxy involved. Because he can't just be nice, of course.

Well done!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 05:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] athenaraven.livejournal.com
I wanted so much to read a Cuddy-centric fic today and you provided - thank you!

This is beautiful and the contrast between what happens at the hospital and what happened at Cuddy's sister's home makes this piece all the more poignant. And House being there in his own way is just wonderful.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 05:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] devohoneybee.livejournal.com
awwwwww, he brought her a sandwich to break the fast. somehow, that moment really got to me. sweet.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 05:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kassrachel.livejournal.com
Oh, this is utterly fabulous. I love these details: the telltale sound of House's gait, the way he needles her about fasting, the only prayer Cuddy can remember how to say. Beautiful.

For [livejournal.com profile] remix_redux this year I remixed a Jewish!Cuddy story by [livejournal.com profile] roga (the original is here (http://roga.livejournal.com/54825.html), my version is here (http://trickster.org/kass/8festivals.html)) -- it makes me happy to see that other fans are intrigued by the possibilities in Cuddy's Jewishness.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 06:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
God forbid House actually voluntarily do something nice. (Even worse if someone catches him at it, right?) Thanks.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 06:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thanks. I figured it was a good chance to have Cuddy reflecting on her choices -- but whenever Cuddy considers his choices, then House somehow shows up too.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 06:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thank you. I liked the idea of House buying her the sandwich, but of course he'd never come right out and say it.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 06:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
I'll have to check those out. I admit I think of Cuddy as more culturally Jewish than relgiously observant (and much more so than Wilson), but there are times when culture, faith and tradition all seem to meld.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 07:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roga.livejournal.com
This is lovely. Your take on Cuddy's religion fits pretty closely with mine (and, incidentally, mine in RL) - tradition more than spirituality.

And I love this little glimpse into the beginning of next season, numbered candidates et all. Thanks for sharing.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 07:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vitawash24.livejournal.com
How beautiful. The idea of Cuddy seeing her family and decided that she's missing something really ties things in her story together, and House's twisted form of kindness comes through loud and clear.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 07:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thanks. I wondered if it was even worth "warning" for the numbered candidates, but you never know who's hiding under a rock. I consider myself non-spoiler for the most part, but ...

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 07:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thank you. When I started playing around with the concept of fasting and why, the idea of whether she did in the past came up, followed by the thought of what those occasions might have led to.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 08:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marag.livejournal.com
This is lovely! I really like this look into Cuddy's family life and how she thinks about things.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 08:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shutterbug12.livejournal.com
Really beautiful. The Fiddler on the Roof reference made me grin. The atonement theme was so appropriate, considering where we are in the Jewish calendar.

Question for you: Did you consult any particular resources about Judaism? Could you recommend any? I already have a decent foundation of knowledge, but I'll need to expand it for a piece I'm in the midst of planning. I was wondering if you could point me to anything you found particularly helpful. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 08:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thanks. It's interesting to get into Cuddy's head for a change.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
I'm glad you liked the "Fiddler on the Roof" comment. I thought the "tradition" line was kind of hokey, but found it appropriate -- and of course House's response was then set.

I took advantage of [livejournal.com profile] npkedit for assistance on the Jewish elements of the story that felt beyond my capabilities. Which was good, because stuff I thought I had a handle on she was quick to point out would be "off" for people more versed than I. If you check out the Days of Awesome LJ challenge community linked above, you'll see that someone there also offered beta/consult abilities as well.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 09:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] smoothzeta69.livejournal.com
I love this fic. It's so rare that someone actally manages to get inside Cuddy's head and make it still feel like Cuddy.
And of course, House doing something nice, (in his own way) was really sweet.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-16 10:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thank you. I sometimes wish I'd spend more time in Cuddy's head, but my muse takes me all over.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 12:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phinnia.livejournal.com
This is lovely. The depth of her memories is just beautiful; well done. :-)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thanks. NPKEdit helped me fine tune those memories to something appropriate for the day and the holiday. (Myself, I could write about a ham dinner on Easter, but that's hardly the right vibe for this fic.)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 03:14 am (UTC)
jadelennox: Senora Sabasa Garcia, by Goya (Default)
From: [personal profile] jadelennox
This is so fabulously in character. House's snark, his niceness by proxy, and the fact that even so, the sandwich is treyf. Cuddy's saying the wrong brachah because it's the only one she remembers. He feelings about the new numbered ducklings. Nice.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelfirenze.livejournal.com
Wow. Even if this had nothing at all to do with our spanking Notre Dame, this was fantastic. I actually used that same prayer in 'Excuse', only House was the one who said it. I liked seeing the words again. It makes me want to smile. And add this to my memories, of course.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 05:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nyssa23.livejournal.com
Great job! I loves me some Jewish!Cuddy. And the miscarriage bit was just heartbreaking.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 06:15 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Oh, this was a lovely look inside Cuddy's head. House's little cameo, especially, was a brilliant touch.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 06:16 am (UTC)
ext_7700: (Default)
From: [identity profile] swatkat24.livejournal.com
Er, didn't mean to be anon.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 08:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sangria-lila.livejournal.com
Ah, I love this. You have Cuddy's faith down pat - how she has lapsed but hasn't necessarily stopped believing. I love House taunting her with the bagel. And that man's love of grease is slightly sickening. In a good way.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 10:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thanks. NPKedit noted the wrong prayer, wrong day thing, so I thought: "Let's go with it," and figured it was likely that it'd be the only one that came to mind, but she'd want to commemorate the event some way, so worked that element into the story.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 10:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thank you. If I had time to do something with the Notre Dame game it'd be solely to compare Jewish guilt and Catholic guilt. And possibly to have House saying something about there being no kvetching in football.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 10:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thanks. When I started playing around with past years, I thought it'd be a good time to drop in a wealth of her own miseries from the past year.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 10:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Anon or signed, either is fine. And it's amazing how House forces himself into everyone's thoughts in some way.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 10:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
I do maintain that Cuddy is a believer -- in House, in the hospital, etc. Just not observant in the traditional sense. (And I love grease too -- it just doesn't love me that much, so it's fun to give that element to House.)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 02:59 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
This is such a quiet, patient, and lovely look into Cuddy's world. How true it seems that despite everything, House is always at the center of things for her and she is the beginning and end of things for him. The awkwardness of her prayer contrasts with the burnished joy of her family memories in a moving way. I liked this tremendously.

-- blacktop

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 04:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelfirenze.livejournal.com
I am more than certain you could pull it off.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 06:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
Thanks. It's funny, sometimes, how the traditions we barely tolerated as children (church, visits to the relatives) become such a part of our memories as adults.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 06:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
The flight leaves in ... about eight hours.
Doubt it.

(I appreciate the confidence, though.)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-19 06:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mystcphoenxcafe.livejournal.com
Greetings!

Beautiful as always!!! Thank'ee's for the sharing!!! :-)

Not so sure the sandwich wasn't done on purpose.(The mixing meat-and-dairy, that is.) If he tempted her once... besides, he would know, I would think, that she doesn't keep to the strictest letter of the law anyway. In any case, it seems rather Housean to me that he would do it deliberately.

Very sweet of him to think of her... and very typical in his delivery. Refused once (even when it was never intended to be taken up on), he won't try again - or at least not directly.

And again, a touching look behind the scenes at Cuddy's family. You paint such lovely backdrops....

Thankfully, no more spoilerish than the ads on telly. Looking forward to the weeding-out process. Should be delightfully Darwinian! :lol

Not to be TOO much of a pest re: football series-in-the-making (ok, I'm lying, just a little :-D) but... maybe when you get back? :-D If the Muse is obliging? And you haven't succumbed to thoughts of homicide for your local fen who are continually pestering you about it? :-D

Hope you are enjoying your trip!
Safe Journeys, etc!!!
-Katrina

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-22 09:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namasteyoga.livejournal.com
I'll see if the muse is willing, but there's never any guarantee. Maybe I'll have to wrap up a few of them into one piece. Of course it also depends on what goes on football wise between now and when I get back.

I'm in Krakow just now, by the way. No sighting of "House" on Czech or Polish TV, but I found "Lost," "Bones" and "Medium." Oh, and "Fellowship of the Ring," which was really odd because it wasn't really dubbed -- you could still hear the actors' voices in English, but that was in the background while the same narrator translated everything. Odd.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-24 10:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com
Late to the party again, but this is so lovely. Cuddy's meditation on tradition is just beautifully done, and I love House's very House-like peace offering -- to offer her what she won't accept (and it's not what he says it is anyhow) and then eat it in front of her. All part of testing the hypothesis, and then he makes up for it with the sandwich at the close of the day. That's very like him, too.

Hello look at sites

Date: 2008-01-08 12:27 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)

door Porter stones there smoothed planting stones dog garden, fence. dig never back red-haired thought was At he he picked can the the thrown begun and had Roly them the For ground Sammie Roly-Poly to to so was the Roly been maybe threw have the been him Sammie the poodle not away run without larger few grown But sent Daddy gardens least a weeks, his bring had until wanting he spoil Mr. little had when see to grow. and said Next could Blake. well-enough up nicely for them," of for patch it, If it. are in a and "We'll things and helping. garden after. at hurt would

Profile

namaste: (Default)
namaste

October 2011

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags