This is really good. You have Stacy’s voice down perfectly. (Crandall’s too, but Stacy is the hard one to capture.) House’s bleakness and apathy make the conversation with Wilson so painful, which is very much underscored by the incessant dripping of House’s I.V.
I saw a few little things. All of these are corrected to as they should be:
“from his leg as he moved”
“but picked up only the cool air”
“No, you don’t.”
“It suddenly jerked to the left”
the hard vinyl of the passenger’s seat
I found it spelled both ways on various e-medicine sites, but it’s Ringer’s in medical journals.
In the scene with Wilson, you have House turning away several times. I know what you mean, but he can't fully turn, so you might change one of them to "turned his head away" or "averted his face."
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Date: 2007-08-20 10:38 pm (UTC)I saw a few little things. All of these are corrected to as they should be:
“from his leg as he moved”
“but picked up only the cool air”
“No, you don’t.”
“It suddenly jerked to the left”
the hard vinyl of the passenger’s seat
I found it spelled both ways on various e-medicine sites, but it’s Ringer’s in medical journals.
In the scene with Wilson, you have House turning away several times. I know what you mean, but he can't fully turn, so you might change one of them to "turned his head away" or "averted his face."